


my own half of this mess

by mythicalqueen



Category: Arden (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, bea is a bi mess, brenda probably has valid reasons for being mia for so long but idk what they are, look i binged arden like a week ago and was very disappointed when i saw nothing on ao3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-08 08:53:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21473347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythicalqueen/pseuds/mythicalqueen
Summary: She wants to talk to Brenda. Her finger hovers over her contact, almost calling. But last time Brenda called her it wasn’t from that number, and besides, Bea’s on vacation with the woman she loves, and she has far too much pride to admit that she’s not just mad at Brenda, she misses her.She misses her so much it hurts, so much that everything makes her think of her, so much that every funny thing that happens, every story she acquires, they only make her sad, make her want to tell Brenda.
Relationships: Bea Casely/Brenda Bentley, brief Bea Casely/Lorena Christopher
Comments: 8
Kudos: 15





	my own half of this mess

**Author's Note:**

> as i said in the tags yall this is a hot mess i threw together this afternoon after listening to all of arden in less than twenty four hours and then waiting a week to do anything about it so, you know. title is from baby to bed which is the song that played in the end of the finale.

Bea makes an honest to god effort to not call Brenda. She does... she does okay, really. She just keeps expecting Brenda to call her again, like when she explained (though, explaining usually implies clarification and she’s not sure anything got clearer after that phone call) why she’d named her agency Arden. The drive to Santa Fe with Lorena is nice, if quiet. She can practically feel Lorena wanting to talk about Julie Capsom, which is the last thing Bea wants to talk about. With anyone besides Brenda, that is. And she finds she can’t make conversation. She turns on the radio to fill the silence, lets Lorena chose the station and change it whenever static takes over, but makes sure it’s quiet enough that she’ll hear her phone ring if it ever does.

It doesn’t.

*

Santa Fe with Lorena is also nice. Relaxing, almost. Though, neither of them is particularly good at relaxing.

She’s worried about Brenda. And mad, still, at her for abandoning her. And guilty about how things went down with Julie. And mad at Andy for that happening. And mad at herself for not letting it go, for accidentally lying to Julie, for letting it happen, for benefitting from it happening. 

And Lorena is proud and how could she be? Bea didn’t do good. Bea fucked up and no one should be proud of her right now. She ruined lives. She got so lost in solving the fucking case, in finding the truth, in being good at her job that she forgot to be good at being a person.

She missed the forest for the trees. She forgot the forest was the trees. 

She wants to talk to Brenda. Her finger hovers over her contact, almost calling. But last time Brenda called her it wasn’t from that number, and besides, Bea’s on vacation with the woman she loves, and she has far too much pride to admit that she’s not just mad at Brenda, she misses her. 

She misses her so much it hurts, so much that everything makes her think of her, so much that every funny thing that happens, every story she acquires, they only make her sad, make her want to tell Brenda. 

It’s stupid. She tells the stories and bad jokes to Lorena instead, who doesn’t find them nearly as funny as Brenda would, who doesn’t joke back with something nonsensical but far funnier. Lorena is witty, and she does make Bea laugh, but she’s too serious to come up with the out of left field bullshit that Brenda doesn’t that Bea will never admit to enjoying. 

She’s with the woman she loves, so why the hell can’t she stop thinking about the woman she kind of hates?

*

Bea does not call Brenda. She just calls everyone else to ask about Brenda. She tries Rosalind first, but her call goes to voicemail. Rosalind calls her back and apologizes and explains she was busy with an interview. An interview she’s doing because Bea and Brenda aren’t, because Brenda is god knows where instead of being with them, and well. Maybe Bea sort of ran away, too. But she’s done her share of interviews, and Rosalind doesn’t seem to mind too much. Rosalind also hasn’t heard from Brenda, which is concerning because Bea’s pretty sure Rosalind is at least half the reason Brenda’s even remotely functioning.

“Are you... looking for her?” Bea asks, biting her lip and pacing in the Starbucks as she waits for the coffee she ordered for Lorena and herself. Which totally doesn’t remind her of Brenda’s habit of rotating between plain black coffees and the most ridiculous concoctions cafes had to offer. 

“Yep, I’m brainstorming ways to track her down, summon her, create a new podcast, et cetera.”

Bea pauses. Right. “Okay, um, just let me know if you hear from her or find her or anything.”

“Of course! Enjoy Santa Fe.”

“Thanks,” Bea says. She’s trying. She calls Pamela, too, who is characteristically exasperated, and Andy, who asks if she’s changed her mind about the marmoset, but neither of them have heard from Brenda either, which isn’t surprising since Rosalind hasn’t. She tries Vince, too, who is very annoyed by her call but answers anyways with no news, and tries Brenda’s old coworkers from the police station. Lorena asks what’s wrong and where she’s disappearing to and she seems worried about Bea but Bea is far too worried about Brenda to care.

And then she gets a call from Brenda that she misses because of a stupid goddamn interview, and then a text with no words just a blurry picture of some creature in a forest and no fucking response when she texts back, and no answer when she calls. Three times. And sends a few more panicked texts.

The drive back from Santa Fe is even quieter, and Bea wants to turn the music on louder, she really does, but she hasn’t lost all hope that Brenda will call her again yet. Lorena looks over at her from the passenger’s seat like she’s a million miles away and Bea can’t blame her because she knows she’s being distant. 

“I love you,” she says as she pulls up to Lorena’s house when they get back, and Lorena is unbuckling, smiling sadly.

“I know,” she says gently. And that hurts Bea, she realizes, but she also realizes it doesn’t hurt as much as Brenda’s silence and that’s not fair to Lorena. “I love you, too,” Lorena whispers, and it sounds like goodbye. 

As Lorena gets out of the car, Bea turns it off and steps out, too. She meets Lorena by the trunk and opens it, helps her grab her things. She wants to offer to take them inside for her, but she already knows that Lorena probably just wants her gone right now. She can’t blame her. “I’m sorry,” she says to Lorena, and she means it. Lorena cups her cheek and kisses her briefly.

“I know,” she says again. “I’ll... I’ll see you around, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Bea says and watches as she lets Lorena walk away.

She had let Brenda walk away, too.

She gets in her car again, her dependable Prius that she loves and drives back home to her cat and tries not to think about any of it. She just very anticlimactically got dumped, she thinks, by the woman of her dreams, the woman she’d wanted so much, the woman she’d wanted to be so much. 

And she just wants to call Brenda. And argue with her about something stupid. And solve a cold case through good journalism without ruining anyone’s life this time. 

She realizes, as she pours herself a glass of wine, real wine, not dehydrated Wheyface poison, that she can count her own life among those ruined by her relentless pursuit of the truth about Julie Capsom. 

She also realizes, as she thinks about Wheyface Dehydrated Drinks For Adults, that she told Brenda she could kiss her that one time, and she meant it, even if she never would have said it out loud sober. So. Fuck.

So maybe all of Brenda’s joking flirtations had been endearing and maybe Bea had very deep down wished they weren’t jokes and maybe she really really wants to know why Brenda reacted so weirdly about her and Lorena.

And Bea had _definitely_ screwed a lot of stuff up.

*

She goes into the studio. Part of her, the hopeful part, is sort of expecting Brenda to be there. Most of her isn’t but she’s still disappointed when she’s not there.

“How was the vacation?” Pamela asks, and Bea can’t bring herself to say anything, so she just shrugs. “How’s Lorena?” Pamela tries instead, and Bea cringes a little.

“Um, we... we broke up.”

“Oh. Are you... okay?”

“Mhmm. Yeah. Any news on Brenda?”

Pamela sighs. “No.”

Bea calls Brenda that afternoon, first at her number saved in Bea’s phone, which goes directly to her annoying voicemail that makes Bea laugh and then want to cry, then at the number she’d called Bea from last time, which also goes right to voicemail. She doesn’t leave a message.

She does send a text to the first number. It doesn’t even say half the things she wants to, but she doesn’t want to text those things.

“Hey, just making sure you’re still alive. Can we talk?”

She stares at her phone for a long time and the text gets no acknowledgement and she feels like shit. She’s pretty sure she’s gonna slap Brenda if she ever sees her again. She’s just not sure if she’ll hug her before or after that.

*

“Hey, Brenda, it’s me again. I don’t know if you still have this phone or if you’ll ever listen to this, but... I miss you. I know I joked about you not being dependable, but if I don’t see you again, I will never forgive you. Please call me back. Or... or come back. Can’t make season two without you,” she says, the last part hollow and teasing because she knows neither of them wants to repeat the disaster that was their first season. “Um. Talk to you later, I hope.” 

Bea sighs as she hangs up. It’s the third message she’s left in as many days.

She doesn’t know what the hell to do anymore. She doesn’t have a podcast anymore, at least not right now, because her co-host is MIA because things went so horribly, which means she doesn’t have a job. She doesn’t have a girlfriend anymore, because Lorena broke up with her because Bea ignored her for most of their vacation because she was worried about said missing co-host. She doesn’t really have friends, beyond her maybe-ex-maybe-current coworkers, and every time she talks to them she just asks about Brenda and none of them have the answers she wants. 

She doesn’t have Brenda. 

But she does have years of experience trying to track someone down and some left over yarn and thumbtacks and some open walls and some burning questions, namely, “Where the hell is Brenda?” 

So she gets to work.

*

Finding Brenda should not be this hard. Brenda is loud and messy and still posts shit online and she’s not stupid but she can be careless and Bea is meticulous awnd observant and hyperfocused and Rosalind is crazy competent at this kind of shit so together they really should have found her. But they haven’t.

“We need to talk about the next season,” Pamela urges from the doorway of the breakroom where Bea is brewing a third pot of coffee and spreading out files on the table and floor and whatever surfaces are available with Rosalind and occasionally Andy, though Bea almost had a breakdown when he mentioned marmosets because they would ruin her evidence and she needs to find Brenda.

She plays it off as mostly anger at her for disappearing and her obsession with the truth, both of which are significant factors. But it’s also because she really, really misses her.

Bea doesn’t respond, just rifles through papers while turning on the coffee maker.

“_Bea,_” Pamela says more pointedly.

“Hmm?” she hums, not looking up.

“We need to talk about season two.” 

Bea looks at her. “There is no season two without Brenda,” she says, and there’s an edge to her voice that might make other people drop it, at least for the time being.

“Bea, we’ve talked about this. The show is successful because of you--”

“No, you’ve talked about this. And loathe as I am to admit it, no, it’s because the fans like our back and forth, and because together, we solved this case and ruined people’s lives, which, honestly, doesn’t sound that successful to me,” she snaps. Rosalind stays quiet, sorting through files.

“I know you’re angry.”

“Yes, I am, and you are _not_ helping on that front.”

“Bea, would you just listen to me?” Pamela shouts.

“Fine. What?”

“We need to start making the second season soon, with or without Brenda. So we need to find a cold case and start researching because this time you don’t have a decade of background knowledge.”

“I’m not going to start researching and recording for some other case after how the last one went, and I’m definitely not going to do that right now while I’m busy looking for Brenda.”

“So...” Pamela sighs and rubs at her face like she can’t believe she’s about to suggest this, “make it about looking for Brenda.”

Bea pauses. “What?”

“You’re already looking into it, it already connects to the show, why not?”

“Because I can’t do this without her? Because I shouldn’t be doing this at all? Because that’s airing my personal life-- and hers, which is not cool to do to anyone as I’ve fucking realized, especially not your friends, so no.”

“You know Andy is gonna make you do it.”

“Pamela, I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.”

*

“Five months ago,” Bea starts shakily, “Brenda Bentley left the studio where-- fuck. Look, I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

“It’s okay, you can. Just try again.”

“No, I really fucking can’t. What the hell am I supposed to say? Five months ago I ruined a family’s life and my co-host was understandably pissed off at me for it and then we got into a fight while my now-ex-girlfriend was interviewing us and then she left and pretty much the only other trail she’s left since then has been two phone calls to me, one which I missed, and a text, and posts she’s making on our fucking website and I’m making a podcast about trying to find her I guess even though I don’t want to ‘cause publically digging into people’s pasts is _fucked up?_”

“Yeah, something like that, though the editors will cut the part about not wanting to make the podcast, probably.”

*

Brenda notices something different about Arden’s website. Oh. Season two, episode one. So Bea’s continuing it after all. Brenda honestly hadn’t been sure she would. A large part of her doesn’t want to listen, but she kind of can’t resist, and her curiosity doubles when she sees the episode description talking about her.

She puts in headphones and hits play. 

“Hey,” Bea says over the recording. “Brenda, I really hope you are keeping very up to date with Arden, because the editors are probably gonna figure out that I got Rosalind to put this up in place of the real episode pretty soon and then take this down and replace it but... I don’t know. You haven’t answered any of my calls or responded to any of my texts since you sent that photo, which, by the way, what was that? I honestly thought you might be dead but you keep posting stuff on the website and I know, I know, could be fake, but who would go to the trouble and who could come up with the stuff you do?” 

Brenda swears there’s affection in Bea’s voice. 

“That’s not... I don’t mean that as an insult. If you’re listening, I’m not trying to fight you or piss you off. I am really, really mad at you for ghosting me in the middle of all this shit, but I mostly just want to talk to you. And I do get why you did it. I fucked up. I know I fucked up. I fucked up with Julie and Ralph, and I fucked up with you. And my girlfriend, too-- well, ex, now. But, Brenda, I’m worried about you, because as far as I know, no one has heard from you in months. And I miss you and your stupid jokes and bad flirting and if you don’t come back soon, they’re gonna make me do a show about you and your disappearance and I don’t wanna put anyone’s life on display like that but especially not yours. Ours, for whatever time they overlapped. This... this is probably stupid. And you probably won’t hear this and I’ll just get more questions about if we’re dating from fans, but... it’s a shot. Please talk to me. Come back. Um, that’s it. I don’t know how long this will be up. Sorry to any... non-Brenda listeners. Call in if you have any info on her!”

Well. Shit.

*

Bea is waiting anxiously by her phone, practically jumping at any notifications. 

“Relax,” Rosalind urges. “Have a drink. You’re buying.”

Bea considers pointing out that that’s not what people usually say, but this is Rosalind, and she could use a drink. 

Her phone buzzes as soon as she orders a wine. She opens it immediately. It’s a text.

It’s not from Brenda.

It’s from Lorena, and she really doesn’t want to open it right now, so she doesn’t even though she’s aware that it's not what she should do.

“That Brenda?” Rosalind asks. Bea shakes her head.

“Lorena.”

“Have you talked to her at all since...”

“Not much.”

“What does she want?”

“I don’t know,” Bea sighs, but she can guess. She just doesn’t want to say it. She kind of just wants Lorena to yell at her about it, to be mad at her, because she kind of deserves it.

When they’d first met at Aud-Con, after the panel, Lorena had approached her in the bar.

“Were you telling the truth when that fan asked if you and Brenda were dating?” she’d asked, and Bea had been taken aback.

“Of course. We’re not, I wouldn’t...”

“You can tell me. I can keep a secret.”

“No, really, we’re not dating. Jesus.”

Lorena had considered her for a moment. “Do you want to be dating her?”

“No!” Bea had blushed at the question, had remembered Brenda joking about them waking up together. “I don’t know if there are words to describe how much that is _not_ the case.”

“Well, in that case, can I buy you a drink?”

“Oh. _Oh!_ Yes, yeah, sure, um, yes.” Then she had definitely blushed and laughed and stammered as Lorena had smiled and sat down next to her. And then things had gone well.

And then Brenda had gotten weird about it and then she’d started to realize that okay, maybe she did sort of enjoy Brenda’s presence sometimes, and maybe she was cute, and maybe all these things that didn’t matter because they were coworkers and she had a girlfriend she was crazy for.

And maybe her ex girlfriend is now calling her bullshit, and maybe she’s texted, mad that Bea lied to her about not having feelings for Brenda but it wasn’t a lie, she didn’t think it was, she didn’t know. She hadn’t realized. And now she has and Brenda is missing and she’s hoping she’ll listen to her show that, she’s realizing, probably sounds pretty damn gay.

_Shit._

She texts Brenda, tells her to listen to the episode ASAP. It’s kind of dumb ‘cause it isn’t really anything she hasn’t already said in texts or voicemails, so if she sees this text she’s probably already gotten the message and is just ignoring her, but still. Bea wants to cover all her bases.

She gets a text from an unknown number and the hope doubles. She taps on Rosalind’s wrist and shows her the screen as she checks the message.

“heard the show” is all it says.

“Is that her?” Rosalind asks. Bea shrugs.

“Brenda?” she sends back immediately. The fucking typing icon pops up and Bea feels her heart race. 

“yeah. sorry about lorena”

Bea is going to fucking kill her. _That’s_ what she got out of it? _That’s_ what she’s sorry for? Bea calls the number and she’s going to fucking yell at her.

It rings twice before Brenda picks up.

“Hey,” she says.

“What the hell? ‘Hey?’ Brenda, where the hell are you?” She’s standing up and pacing now and Rosalind is watching her. 

“I’m, um. I’m outside,” she says. It takes a lot for Bea to not throw her phone.

“Are you fucking serious? Y’know--”

“No, no, Casely. I’m outside. I’m right outside. Look.”

Bea does, and Brenda is there through the storefront windows and she’s waving ridiculously. Bea drops her phone on the bar in front of Rosalind without even bothering to hang up and runs for the door. 

Rosalind picks up the phone. “Hey, boss,” she says.

“Rosalind! Good to-- oof.” She’s cut off by Bea practically tackling her, wrapping her arms around her after slamming into her. “Hey, Casely.”

“I’m gonna fucking kill you,” she says into Brenda’s hair as Brenda starts to hug her back. 

“Casely--”

“Shut up. You just fucking left, I honestly wasn’t 100% sure you were alive, but you’re fine and you just show up here like... like what? I... am so glad you’re back but I’m going to murder you.”

“You can try.”

“Don’t test me.”

“Bea, the show...”

“I love you,” Bea says before Brenda can keep talking.

“What?”

“I love you. I don't know what you’re gonna ask but that’s why I made it and why I’ve been looking for you, like, nonstop, like worse than the Julie conspiracy board, and why Lorena broke up with me and why I was okay with that and all of it. The answer to all of it is that.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, you don’t have to... I just thought you deserved, you know... the truth.”

“I was gonna say that I can’t do the show with you.”

Bea furrows her brow and then raises her eyebrows, seeming to go on some kind of emotional journey. “You came here to tell me _that_? Yeah, I kinda fucking got that, you made that pretty damn clear by saying so and then disappearing.”

“Let me finish.”

“I’m not stopping you.”

“I can’t do the show with you ‘cause I don’t date coworkers.”

Bea looks at her with exasperated disbelief for a minute before rolling her eyes, grabbing her lapels, and kissing her. 

“I really hate you, you know,” she mutters, pulling back and resting her forehead on Brenda’s.

“Yeah, but you just told me you loved me and then kissed me, so I’m kinda getting mixed signals.”

“Good thing you’re decent at solving mysteries then.”

“Casely, I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, but you're really not that mysterious.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me,” Brenda challenges, and Bea takes the bait and kisses her again. “For the record, I love you, too. It’s why I freaked out about you and Lorena and it’s part of why I left and it’s why I came back.”

“Speaking of, what the hell took you so long?”

“That’s a long story. Buy me a drink and I’ll tell you and Rosalind all about it?”

“Oh, you just want me to buy you a drink.”

Brenda shrugged. “It is a nice bonus.” She leans forward to kiss Bea again.

“Aw, you two are so cute,” Rosalind’s voice comes over the phone.

“Jesus Christ, you couldn’t have hung up?” Bea says after startling initially.

“Hey, neither of you hung up, that’s on you, not me.”

Brenda hung up. “Ready to go inside?” 

“Just one thing first. What was the picture you texted me?”

“That’s part of the story, Casely, but if you must know... skunk ape.”

“I knew it!”


End file.
